Why our healthiest relationships are the ones we don’t need

Bill’s tip for July: The Declaration of Independence

We all hope for “fireworks” in our intimate relationships but chemistry that’s better than a Fourth of July light show often includes a “dependency clause.”

Why is this necessary? Our journeys toward enlightenment do not come with togetherness warrantees or lifetime guarantees -nor should they. This month, I’m striking-up-the-band for independence!

Now, I’m not a relationship-hater: In fact, I’m a couple’s biggest advocate when they learn to partner properly. Unfortunately, we can find ourselves in relationships because we are afraid to be alone, or because of our need to get societal approval, or because of our compulsion to prove ourselves to another. Carolyn Myss, a popular lecturer and self-esteem expert, states: “Our healthiest relationships are the ones we don’t need.” -In other words, our “need” gets in the way of our relationship’s health.

Consistently rubbing up against someone does provide us with priceless opportunities to learn and grow, but this is only possible through the sharing of our distinct individuality with another -not by being dependent on another.

This July, declare independence within the helpful structure of your relationship. Decide that you don’t need to prove yourself, defend yourself or give yourself away -contribute, instead, by being yourself.

Take a tip from America’s forefathers: Get in the patriotic habit of valuing your partner’s and your unique roles in establishing your loving union. Then, the next time fireworks happen, you’ll truly understand the real reason for celebrating!

Phillip’s tip for July: Baby-fresh

53My cousin had a baby today: What a joy for her and for the rest of our family!
I will happily travel to Texas soon to meet this new addition. Sometimes living in LA seems very far away from where I grew up. From time to time, I need to reconnect with my roots and my relatives: Will they think I am living a good life? Will they have judgement? Why do I care?

As I ponder this birth, I realize how lucky babies are: Starting their lives with no regrets, no lost dreams, no romantic entanglements to remedy or harsh words to take back….Imagine if our adult lives felt like that!

-How can we grab a baby-fresh start when so much as happened to us?

Fresh perspectives are born out of working on ourselves -Work done in church, through therapy or by allowing ourselves the time to bask in possibilities. If you are able to free yourself from the judgment of others and liberate yourself from harsh self-judgment, the rebirth of joy is possible.

My tip this month is about embracing your talent, love and worth. It is also about forgiving yourself and others for not being perfect. Those of you familiar with my sessions, know I am firm believer in “you are enough.”

All lives (young and old) are beautiful.


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